Saturday, July 30, 2011

How to Become an Effective Reproductive Busybody (ERB)

It's a real problem.

You're at the mall, and you run into a friend of yours who you haven't seen in about a year. It could be the empire-waisted dress she's wearing, or it could be a few too many trips to Taco Town, but she looks.... is she.... did she get....

You want to ask if she's pregnant. You're dying to ask, because you didn't even know she was married, didn't know she was even dating anyone, and now... just look at that belly! You can't even keep your eyes off of it. You try holding your venti chai latte so that it blocks your view of the little bulge, but you can't help yourself, and before long the conversation is over and you have no idea what she even said, or what you said, because the whole time you were just trying not to ask her if she was pregnant.

After all, you were taught that questions like that are intrusive; that they are inappropriate, and if a woman wants to share her reproductive status with you, she will. And anyway, nobody can keep pregnancy a secret forever.

As you stare at yourself in the mirror in the food court bathroom you know that it's time to face facts. You're in the minority. Gone are the days when politeness and delicacy surrounded discussions of pregnancy. The time has come when it's not only appropriate to share your ultrasound photos with everyone; it's expected. People are curious, and they ask questions to match. You're curious, but you just can't break through that barrier of learned politeness.

Until now.

Here at The Guilted Age, we know that you struggle in silence. We know that you yearn to make the ladies in your life squirm with your uncomfortable questions. We know that you need something to discuss over Jell-O shots at Bunco night. And we're here to help.

By applying a specialized scientific method, detailed in this flowchart, you can go from being polite to a full-fledged Effective Reproductive Busybody (ERB) in the time it takes for them to drizzle icing on your Cinnabon.

We care about your happiness. We care about your comfort. We care about your Right to Know.

(Note: When viewing the flowchart, you may find it helpful to enlarge the image by clicking the "+" button on the left side of the screen.)

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